We're so happy. Dave's cousin, Jon, fixed our computer while he was in Ohio last week. So I can blog regularly again. =)

Anyways, tonight I got the computer hooked back up and I have begun creating a slideshow of Dave's trip to Costa Rica. He and Jack are going to talk about their trip at the end of both services at church Sunday and Dave has about 300 pics to share. So, I'm trying to condense them into a really cool slideshow that will be informative and interesting. This is pretty much my favorite thing to do. It's like making a digital scrapbook of the trip and getting to show 400 people. My only regret is that I'm too tired to do anymore tonight and I only have like 2 more days to make it awesome in between work and the rest of life.

I have been seriously depressed lately. The weather, my weight, etc, etc. It's all just building up and every time I try to talk about it to someone I feel they don't want to hear it, they don't want to get depressed hearing my junk. I've also been listening to the audio book, 48 days to the work you love. It is messing me up mentally.

One thing that I have realized thru listening to this book is that I became an engineer b/c people told me that I should, I wasn't bad at it, etc. (I knew that, but I came to some more realizations) I knew I hated it after my first semester of college. But I didn't know what else to do. And they fed us this line about how you can do "anything" with an engineering degree so I thought, "well, since I don't know what else to do, I guess I'll just stay in this major since I can do 'anything' with it." what they meant was that after enduring their ridiculously challenging classes, you would be capable of going BACK to school to endure more difficult classes in law or medicine or masters engineering and phd classes, etc. There was also the constant feminist jargon being jammed down our throats in the "Women in Engineering Program" about how great life would be to have a CAREER first and then a husband and 10 or 15 years down the road, like 1 child. Anyways, in the end I'm left with a career I hate b/c I followed a bunch of peoples' advice when I should have been digging deep into myself to figure out what I am good at and ALSO enjoy. I started trying to think of what I wanted to be when I was a child. The only thing that I ever aspired to be was a wife and mother. Never once did my mind go to a place where I even thought of working outside my home for dirty money. I always pictured myself making dinners for my husband "Dave" (b/c I idolized my Aunt Sharon) and my many children, etc. My sister wanted to play school so I'd go along with that. But then I always had to go home and find out I was pregnant and fix dinner in my play kitchen. I am just so sad b/c I guess I feel stupid that these were my only dreams. I feel like I should have thought about making money, etc. but I never did. Not when I was 5, 10, 15, 18, or even 23. I honestly never thought that I would even have to work. At least not that long. And yet the harsh reality hit 3 years ago. And unluckily for me, I was stuck in this retarded industry. Well, retarded, from my perspective. Because I despise it.

So now, I just have to figure out how I can make the same amount of money being a wife and mother. Hmmm...

Anyways, I would like to go off and sit on a hill this weekend and have a bunch of quiet time to just get my mind straight and focused on more happy thoughts.


Anonymous said...

I was in your same place, I was smart, did the engineering thing for 18 years making really good money and mostly hating it (not always). I quit a couple years ago when my daughter was in 3rd grade (once theyre in school it's worse than when they are toddlers figuring out what to do with them when you are working). So now I am a SAHM, with a masters in engineering. Were all happier. Getting used to less money wasnt that hard, our only debt was our house and we had bought a small one and saved when I was working anyways, so even last year we paid cash for a one month vacation to Kenya. Try to stick it out for as long as you can without going crazy. If I knew what I knew now though, I would have quit when my daughter was born instead of waiting. Now that shes on school I do have a pt "job" as a lunch lady:), pays for my hobbies and my gym membership. And hubby just got a huge promo yesterday, plus a bonus, so stuff has a way of working out. Dont loose hope!! And quit thinking about being fat, youre not, just try to eat healty, stay active. Remember nothing tastes as good as thin feels,,,, and you are in control.
Been there, done that.

Anonymous said...

Oh. Kate....I feel for you. Your last blog was awful...I was in a similar situation once in Chicago....YUCK! And very scary. I try very hard to appreciate my reliable transportation (especially since neither Linn nor I are mechanically inclined). It's so hard in our society to find your worth as being a stay at home mom. I know when I hang around people from Linn's work they look down on me...one has even made comments about it, but I know in my heart it is what's right for my family. It's also hard to justify when I spent so much $ on a degree. I got a lot of flack for the florist job I had...I know I was taken advantage of, but getting to be creative and not having to deal with discipline issues was so much better. I don't know that I have any great advice, but I do know some of the feelings you're going through. Just keep praying...
Love you both,

awellsnz said...

Hey there,

I know exactly what you mean. I'm in a job that I'm not 100% passionate about either. Every time I try to think about what it is I'd rather be doing my mind comes back to being a wife and mother (I am wife to a wonderful guy already). It's hard in the world we're in today where a mortgage for even a modest home requires two salaries.

God knows the desires of your heart though so keep on giving your frustrations and hopes to him.

Anna from NZ

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