today in church the pastor talked about how church is a place to expose darkness not hide it and to hold each other accountable. galations 6:1-5. he said there was a demon possessed man in the synogogue in this passage and he wondered why he was in the synogogue. he said that the people he worshipped with each week may not have known of the darkness inside him. he said people need to be real and not put on a face to their fellow christians, like we often do. so, that is kind of the inspiration for this post.
i have had one of the most depressing weekends of my life. i'm not even sure why. i have absolutely no motivation. i have cried a lot. slept a lot. wallowed in self pity for who knows what reason. there really is nothing for me to be upset about even. i just can not find any way to cheer myself up. david really doesn't understand. he just tells me to go out and make friends and to read books. he says that will help. i just feel so incredibly alone. even as i type this i'm bawling my eyes out. dave wants me to fix him dinner. i'm not hungry cuz i spent an hour this afternoon watching little house and eating chocolate chips and butterscotch chips.
we went out to lunch with our friends today and i wanted to talk to her about how sad i am. but i didn't. david hardly wants to hear my whining so why would anyone else?
for a while this spring i thought i felt depressed because of the weather or because i didn't have any children or because of my dumb job. now i realize that i feel bad about everything. i'm disgusted with myself. my fat. my attitude. my job. my house. my lack of friends. yet i don't want to do anything about any of it. i haven't worked out in like 2 months. even though i got a treadmill and signed up for a gym membership in that time. i haven't really tried to make any friends. i've just stayed home and cried as much as possible.
i read that when you are sleep deprived you're more prone to depression. although i'm glad we finally paid off our debt last year i feel it came at an incredibly high price. i lost sleep. i lost friends. i lost myself.
tomorrow marks the beginning of another week. another step in the journey of trying to find out who i am again.
i think i'm feeling a little better after writing this.