today in church the pastor talked about how church is a place to expose darkness not hide it and to hold each other accountable. galations 6:1-5. he said there was a demon possessed man in the synogogue in this passage and he wondered why he was in the synogogue. he said that the people he worshipped with each week may not have known of the darkness inside him. he said people need to be real and not put on a face to their fellow christians, like we often do. so, that is kind of the inspiration for this post.

i have had one of the most depressing weekends of my life. i'm not even sure why. i have absolutely no motivation. i have cried a lot. slept a lot. wallowed in self pity for who knows what reason. there really is nothing for me to be upset about even. i just can not find any way to cheer myself up. david really doesn't understand. he just tells me to go out and make friends and to read books. he says that will help. i just feel so incredibly alone. even as i type this i'm bawling my eyes out. dave wants me to fix him dinner. i'm not hungry cuz i spent an hour this afternoon watching little house and eating chocolate chips and butterscotch chips.

we went out to lunch with our friends today and i wanted to talk to her about how sad i am. but i didn't. david hardly wants to hear my whining so why would anyone else?

for a while this spring i thought i felt depressed because of the weather or because i didn't have any children or because of my dumb job. now i realize that i feel bad about everything. i'm disgusted with myself. my fat. my attitude. my job. my house. my lack of friends. yet i don't want to do anything about any of it. i haven't worked out in like 2 months. even though i got a treadmill and signed up for a gym membership in that time. i haven't really tried to make any friends. i've just stayed home and cried as much as possible.

i read that when you are sleep deprived you're more prone to depression. although i'm glad we finally paid off our debt last year i feel it came at an incredibly high price. i lost sleep. i lost friends. i lost myself.

tomorrow marks the beginning of another week. another step in the journey of trying to find out who i am again.

i think i'm feeling a little better after writing this.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Kate...my heart goes out to you...I wish I could just give you a hug. Want to know the ironic thing? I was feeling pretty down last week, partially becuase of you guys. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way jealous, on the contrary, extremely happy and excited for you guys, but when you move back to Ohio, it means I'm the only "Neer" not there...all the rest of my siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles on that side are there and I'm 2000 miles away, wishing I was there, too, especially for my kids sake. Isn't it so hard sometimes to be happy and content with the wonderful lives we've been given? Why is that? I could give you lots of pat answers that are supposed to help, but still, sometimes I just feel like wallowing in it. Of course, knowing that Jess and Mom and Dad are coming to visit this week helps too. :) I'll be praying for you guys...call me sometime if you want to talk...I miss you guys!

Anonymous said...

katie-I'm here for you and I don't mind if you whine. I know that its hard to put a good front on all the time. I have been thru times like that in the past. You feel that there is no one who will just listen and then not turn around and talk about you. You and David are in our prayers as you make decisions and start a new phase of your lives. Just know that you're not alone. We love you!