random thoughts

1. i'm discovering first hand that satan likes to distract people. really. i've only done 2 of my womens study days in the last week. need to do 4 days each day to catch back up. for some reason he really doesn't want me to do this study. hhh...
   
2. just wrapped up a bunch of coins from the jars on our dresser- $114.50 to be exact. that will help to pay for the tools we're about to buy for doing the granite tile countertops.
   
3. making plans for the weekend, looks like it will be very busy and exciting!!!
   
4. had a really good day today as far as the diet goes. actually stayed really close within my points range. yay! didn't exercise like i said i would several times throughout the day, but at least i didn't eat a bunch of junk food, right?
   
5. still struggling with the fact that God is in control of certain things and i'm not. really not used to that concept. i'm used to this culture where everything is instant gratification. if you decide you want something, you can get it the next day ...and i just don't grasp how things can take way more time than you would ever imagine in your wildest dreams. perhaps this is why i'm having so much trouble even sitting down and studying God's word right now. i perceive that i'm not feeling God's love right now because i'm not getting what i want when i want it, and yet, that's exactly why i need to turn to His word, so i can understand things better. like the fact that He's GOD and He understands the big picture, which i of course can't see until after the fact, and He has a plan for me. No matter how different His plan is from my own plan, and how painful that might be for me to comprehend, I need to come to this realization.
6. another deep subject: i feel like i've been living in a state of heightened, extreme emotions for 6 months now. and i've got to make a decision now to 1) keep living in this really self-centered state of inadequacy and unaccountability due to my inward focusing or 2)  i have to build this wall back up around myself, and die in a sense, this wall that i'd previously lived inside for 8 years, where i don't feel a lot of emotions, and i appear to be stronger, so that i can fully function and be productive. hmmmm....hhhhhhh......this is a challenge. i think i will just go to bed now and continue in my state of self-centered introspection.