This week I realized that I have been living in a constant state of stress and anxiety lately. I'm ok if we are just staying home but whenever we are heading out of the house I find myself feeling pretty stressed out. And I'm realizing that I need to just let go because this is no way to live. I'm not sure if this is post partum depression or just adjusting to becoming a mother.
Here's how it is...I'm trying to anticipate every need that Levi will have while we are gone so that he won't have to cry in public. Basically, I feel really, really bad whenever he cries but especially when we're say, in the grocery, and he needs to eat and I can't just breastfeed him right there in the produce section, or when we're in the car and he's strapped in his carseat screaming and I'm driving and there's nothing I can do for him. I guess I always thought when I was the mom, I'd know instantly what my child needs and I'd be able to always meet his needs. So...I spend hours ahead of when we're leaving trying to determine what he'll need while we're gone and it never works. There is no way that I can anticipate what he will need. He has his own schedule, regardless of what I think it should be, etc., etc. And all I can do is my best...hhhh...and then there's the whole issue that I've spent 28 years of my life NOT being a mother, and I always looked down on people in public with screaming children wondering why on earth they didn't help their child so they wouldn't have to cry so loudly in the grocery, restaurant, etc....and NOW I am realizing that there's not always a solution to their crying or at least one you can do in public, etc. hhhhh....I never wanted to be "that" mother with the crying child, yet, it seems, more often than not these days I am. And I hate it. I guess I feel like I am failing as a mother, I'm embarrassed, etc. And that in itself is shameful.
I shared all this with Dave and he says that he's had some of the same feelings and basically, we have to come to terms with the fact that we are not in control of Levi. He's his own person. And if he cries now, we're not completely to blame, nor if he gets caught toilet papering as a teenager, are we completely to blame. At some point we have to just let go and know that we can not control him 100%. There's no way. So, yeah, I understand that in theory but still working on it.
The other thing is that Levi is 6 weeks old today. I realized yesterday morning after Dave left for work that if I were still working full time, I'd probably be heading back to work any day now and leaving Levi at daycare. And I am SO SO SO thankful that I don't have to do that. I am just teaching piano 1 day/week and he'll be with me or Dave. I can't even imagine going back to work full time and I have so much more respect for the women that do. Not only could I not take the separation emotionally (I've only left Levi for 20 minutes thus far!) but I don't think I could really keep everything organized at home and work simultaneously. These women are apparently a lot stronger than I am. And I reflect back that even though it was absolute torture to work 3 jobs back in 2007 to make this dream come true by eliminating all our debt payments, I am so glad that I did. It was SO worth it. And I have to say that getting only a few hours of sleep at night because of Levi is infinitely easier than doing it to throw 300 some papers. There is nothing that I hate more than the smell of newspaper ink.